Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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