shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Someone signed my nipple.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
