I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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