While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
