This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
