I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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