My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
