your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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