That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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