it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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