If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
