Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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