i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
