i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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