Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
