remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
