By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
