You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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