I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
