If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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