I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
