she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
