Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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