got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
