One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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