U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
