I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
