Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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