I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
