I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
