I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
