the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
