I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
