im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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