What a fucking waste of an outfit
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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