moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
