my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
