Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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