You made me cry and you don't even care
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just cropdusted the office
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
