In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
