I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
