When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
