did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
