that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
