Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
