i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This house was built for laser tag.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
