dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I had to cum in my sink.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
