Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
