Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
