So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
