it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
