there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
