Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That accounts for only three of the penises
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
