I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
